Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
