my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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