Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Someone shattered a urinal.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
