bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
When did angry sex become our thing?
I am one with the molecules
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
