my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
