why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
