i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
pop tarts are not kleenex
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I could fuck to npr.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
