The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
