im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
