I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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