My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
