if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize