So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
