I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
