How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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