your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
