Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You can't motorboat a personality
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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