Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
