The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize