So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
