Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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