there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
