Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
