Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
