So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
