I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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