I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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