Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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