You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
