I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
