I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
