i just google imaged poop.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
