I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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