I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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