So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
