I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
