Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
