I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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