after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
