Someone shit on the floor
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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