never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I want a musical about memes.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
