What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
