I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
