Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So squirting runs in the family.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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