ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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