wakey wakey hands off snakey
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
