I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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