Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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