Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
