A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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