im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
