can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
