there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
