Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
