i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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