3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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