All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
