just tell him i said nine months
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
