Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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