i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
