Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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