Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
