We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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