Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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